Between the Lines

For the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of the future. Woah, we’re starting off strong. Big step from  Approaching My Quarter Life Crisis ,  I Didn’t Think I’d Live This Long,  and  The Reckoning // The Relapse.  Kind of feels terrifying to say that, but it’s the truth.  I feel like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone running out of his house yelling, “Hey, I’m not afraid anymore! I said, I’m not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!” And of course no one is hearing me, but that isn’t the point. It’s in the way I carry myself, not what I announce. I have come to realize that fear is such a disease. It serves you nothing but anxiety on a silver platter and controls you. Stepping back from it all, I realized control is just as much of an internal nag. It’s all an illusion. Life goes through its ebbs and flows. You can have everything planned… until life happens. Because that is life. We don’t choose what happens, but we choose how we react ...

​ It was 2016, towards the end of my freshman year of high school. I was at school early before classes started. I had an honors English class first period, and that day I had to do a speaking analysis in front of my class about  The Great Gatsby  for a final. I was sat in a rarely trafficked hallway with a new friend of mine, though we barely knew each other at the time. I was going through my annotations, discussing the book with him to prepare. He was a couple grades ahead of me and already knew the book. Nearly ten years later, this memory has stuck with me so vividly I can still feel the cold tile underneath me while we sat on the floor. I think it was one of the first times in my life someone had discussed something intellectually intimate with me. I remember feeling ill-prepared, rummaging through my book and the notebook paper I’d written notes on. He assured me that I would do fine. I kept rehearsing my speech, careful not to close my thesis too early, as it was timed...

I moved to Nashville at 22 with nothing but clothes, records, a few movies, two lamps, and a car. I was on a complete high of getting away from everything I’d ever known. I went to cosmetology school, but I didn’t get that fresh new start college gives you. I viewed moving 450 miles from home as that in my journey.   Now I’m 25, and I’m redirecting sight on my long term vision. I’ve already achieved higher education, a big move, and a long-term relationship. On top of that, I’m already five years into my career. I really don’t know what else to “accomplish,” and the long-term has became blurry.  I feel like I’ve gotten so used to the life routine my partner and I have created that I have lost touch of my own wants and desires for myself. I was raised to be practical, and a big lesson for me has been allowing myself to dream. That turned into a need to prove everyone wrong; that dreams can happen.  He keeps me grounded; and while yes I need that, I need whimsy in my life ...

I’m running through the woods & the time keeps passing The gentle voice roaring behind me.  But I don’t trust the words coming from its mouth, So I keep on towards the south. The air becomes thick, my panting is heavy. Still, the voice sings softly & gently. I refuse to give in & give it power— All seems fine until the rain begins to shower. I slip & inevitably trip, Coming down with a tick, tick, tick. I’m no longer where I was before; This place is the most wondrous moor. Touching the grass & the hum of the bees, I’ve found myself breathing the lemongrass breeze. A song of earth, wind, & fire No longer drowned in the echoes of a liar. A rose bush with plenty of thorns, An anthill with a fallen robin egg. I rise above to climb atop a tree; That’s when I notice the hornets beside me. I come crashing down just as I did before, Back to the rain & the place I was at war. I hear my voice humming softly as I go through the trapdoor. I trudge back north, ...