Between the Lines

​ It was 2016, towards the end of my freshman year of high school. I was at school early before classes started. I had an honors English class first period, and that day I had to do a speaking analysis in front of my class about  The Great Gatsby  for a final. I was sat in a rarely trafficked hallway with a new friend of mine, though we barely knew each other at the time. I was going through my annotations, discussing the book with him to prepare. He was a couple grades ahead of me and already knew the book. Nearly ten years later, this memory has stuck with me so vividly I can still feel the cold tile underneath me while we sat on the floor. I think it was one of the first times in my life someone had discussed something intellectually intimate with me. I remember feeling ill-prepared, rummaging through my book and the notebook paper I’d written notes on. He assured me that I would do fine. I kept rehearsing my speech, careful not to close my thesis too early, as it was timed...

I moved to Nashville at 22 with nothing but clothes, records, a few movies, two lamps, and a car. I was on a complete high of getting away from everything I’d ever known. I went to cosmetology school, but I didn’t get that fresh new start college gives you. I viewed moving 450 miles from home as that in my journey.   Now I’m 25, and I’m redirecting sight on my long term vision. I’ve already achieved higher education, a big move, and a long-term relationship. On top of that, I’m already five years into my career. I really don’t know what else to “accomplish,” and the long-term has became blurry.  I feel like I’ve gotten so used to the life routine my partner and I have created that I have lost touch of my own wants and desires for myself. I was raised to be practical, and a big lesson for me has been allowing myself to dream. That turned into a need to prove everyone wrong; that dreams can happen.  He keeps me grounded; and while yes I need that, I need whimsy in my life ...

I’m running through the woods & the time keeps passing The gentle voice roaring behind me.  But I don’t trust the words coming from its mouth, So I keep on towards the south. The air becomes thick, my panting is heavy. Still, the voice sings softly & gently. I refuse to give in & give it power— All seems fine until the rain begins to shower. I slip & inevitably trip, Coming down with a tick, tick, tick. I’m no longer where I was before; This place is the most wondrous moor. Touching the grass & the hum of the bees, I’ve found myself breathing the lemongrass breeze. A song of earth, wind, & fire No longer drowned in the echoes of a liar. A rose bush with plenty of thorns, An anthill with a fallen robin egg. I rise above to climb atop a tree; That’s when I notice the hornets beside me. I come crashing down just as I did before, Back to the rain & the place I was at war. I hear my voice humming softly as I go through the trapdoor. I trudge back north, ...

A couple years ago, I was in one of the hardest times of my life. It’s, in fact, true that nobody likes you when you’re 23. I had no idea who I could trust. Even when I thought someone was worth letting in, I still couldn’t believe they didn’t have ulterior motives. What would they try to take from me? What are they gaining from me? Are they putting on a façade? Am I the monster this person says I am? Am I the good person this other person says I am? Who am I? Who am I? The constant stream of thoughts and worrying about how I was perceived overtook every part of my being. It didn’t matter if it was at work or in my personal relationships; I felt unworthy unless I was overgiving myself— being the good girl I was raised to be… quiet. Respectful. Useful. Even at my own expense. At 25, I still struggle with certain things, but I no longer doubt my character. I know that I am kind and that I have a heart of gold. I will go to the ends of the earth for people I love. That doesn’t mean I don’...

Last night I went to a show to see one of my favorite current bands. It’s only the second time I’ve gotten to see them perform, and it truly was electric. The first song had everyone obeying the frontman’s commands— being part of a crowd that was present reminded me of how important live music is. I was more blown away last night than the first time I saw them; and if you’ve had the pleasure of seeing The Struts live, you’ll know what I’m talking about. (Seriously, I barely saw anyone have a phone out.) Over the summer, none of my favorite bands or artists have been touring or releasing new music. Without the pull of diving into something new or busy nights full of shows, it led me to examine some old favorites— reframing the works I consider highly essential to the soundtrack of my life, and reflecting on the emotional connection of what music and fandom culture means to me. I was 12 when I found One Direction. They ended shortly after I turned 16. Back then, social media was still a ...