Inherited Hurt, Chosen Healing

When I was in preschool, I got my first crush on a boy named Miles. I went home to my grandma and asked her about soulmates. She explained to me that God chooses someone special for us to share our lives with. At 5, I didn’t really question the rhetoric, but as I grew I really started to question a lot about interpersonal relationships— and especially why my parents and grandparents were no longer together.

The generational curse of divorce is strong amongst my lineage, and I don’t mean to bring this up in a frame of judgement by any means— I bring it up in a form of cautious learning. This was one of those things that, though I had no hand in it myself, I’ve greatly suffered the consequences of others before me. When I was a teenager I never thought I’d escape this curse— like I’d never be loved or accepted for who I am, that I’d be left alone forever, the self hatred list goes on and on— but the anger of it was even stronger. 

I’ve now learned about generational trauma and how trauma can pass down through epigenetics. I know that the anger I felt wasn’t just mine to bear— it was multiplied from those before me that had nowhere to store that frustration, pain, anger, loneliness— but that also meant, because I could feel it, it was mine to heal. 

When I look back on how I’ve over given myself so many times to people who didn’t deserve it, how many times I’ve poured my heart out, how many times I gave multiple chances to people who saw me as an option, etc., I genuinely want to puke. And maybe give my younger self a hug and tell her to grow a backbone (because wtf was I doing?) 

I was so focused on finding that one person that I kept molding every guy I liked into this idea in my mind of that ‘perfect soulmate God had chosen for me’ instead of seeing them for who they actually were. I let myself be used so many times over before I finally snapped.

And when I did?

It was like the snap of a glowstick, baby.

Because then I SHINED. 

The thing I didn’t realize before was that I can’t fix others. It’s not my responsibility, nor is it my place— my true focus is on myself, and if that inspires someone else, cool. 

I’m now in a nearly two year long relationship— the longest relationship I’ve ever had— and it’s been full of many challenges as I’ve met versions of myself I didn’t know before. It’s been a battle of learning someone else and all of their things on top of my own. But I think the biggest thing I’ve learned to understand is the natural flow of relationships.

I don’t know if there ever is just ‘one perfect partner’ that is divinely timed for us— rather, I think that there are many lovely souls set for us at different times of our lives. Every single person you meet can bring out different sides of you, and while you may love them dearly, you have to ask yourself “If I were to go through a familial death, would this person show up for me? If I were sick, would they be by my side? If I became gravely depressed, would they guide me back to finding myself?”

Because whoever that person is… is your partner. 

Until they’re not. There is absolutely not one person you can rely on forever to always be there but yourself.

That isn’t to discredit the amount of love and support you can share with someone for a time. You can realistically make a lifelong vow with one person, and only one person, but is that truly healthy? This is where I feel I found acceptance in the relationships that didn’t work out in my family. It was experiencing bad relationships myself— and understanding how lucky I am that I didn’t have children with the skeletons in my closet of the past. 

Growing up has completely changed my idea on becoming a parent. I still can’t see myself never becoming a mother, but the lense of being one has went out of focus over time. I do trust the journey of knowing nothing can change the equilibrium of my destiny, unless I choose to change it. I hold that power.

I now see the fact that my upbringing was full of struggle for me to grow from it, but that didn’t mean I deserved it. But I damn sure will blow the gasket off this life, whatever the hell it is. And I will over pour with joy for life, even if it’s the last goddamned thing I do— I refuse to get in my own way of creating a life that is nothing less than beautiful.

And for finding the one? I think it’s more so about finding yourself. The people you love are just mirrors of you, anyway. 

The side of you they bring out? It was always there.

Stop giving your power away.