Years in the Back Row

I used to think jealousy was ugly, but now I know it’s just grief in disguise.

Ever heard the saying “you attract what you are”? Well, it’s true. And guess what? All your subconscious thoughts, worries, and patterns you have will attract situations that will reflect them back to you. Sounds fucking terrifying, doesn’t it? But it shouldn’t be something to be afraid of. 

This is called mirroring. Life will show you where you’re lacking to show up for yourself.  This can look like consistently being shown the same lesson in personal relationships, friendships, finances, work— and it all relates in the way you show up yourself. It can feel like hell, but what’s even worse is constantly repeating patterns. Surprisingly, they’re not here to harm you— they are here to guide you. 

This guidance is to come back to yourself. To reflect on the hardest, worst parts of yourself that need healing. What you expect is what you will experience— even if it’s subconscious. Often times when you’re working through something, you will go through trials in it to see if you’ve really healed it or not. It’s like the universe is testing you to see if you’re ready for that level up. 

Will you choose to repeat, or alchemize?

It’s not a bad thing to repeat a cycle until you’re ready to let it go. Our brains become addicted to what we know— even if we think we “hate” it. If you’re constantly left in disappointment thinking: 

“Why does this always happen to me?” or, “why does nothing ever work out for me?”

More so, try to think, 

“What is this teaching me?” or, “what am I repeating to have the same outcome?”

Sitting with those questions and being honest with yourself will lead you to some crazy breakthroughs. And it all starts inside of you, your mind, and your nervous system. These all create a ripple effect outwards of the vibration you put out into the world. Based from that, you attract what you are. What you decide to tolerate will continue. 

My post the other day, “Teaching My Nervous System It’s Safe to Be Seen,” coincides with some of my own struggles of subconsciously repeated patterns. But, for the frankness of my own humanness, I’ll share something else I really struggle with:

I have a hard time not being envious and annoyed with people who are more privileged in life than me. (And if you also grew up in Lexington with me— this has been an ongoing trigger since grade school. IYKYK.)

Some common triggered thought patterns that have shown up for me are:

“Why did they get the option to go to college? If I went, even with scholarships, I’d be 75-100k in student debt. How does someone even get out of that?”

“Why don’t they have to work super hard just to make ends meet? I work so hard, and I never see a pay off.”

“These people are so out of touch of what it’s like to be an average working class citizen.”

“It must be so nice to have your family be able to do anything for you at the blink of an eye.”

There was this time when I was freshly 22, had been working full time for 3 years, two jobs at once even, and living with my grandparents. I was friends with someone who came from a life so much different than mine. I was at a party with them and their family, among their family friends. I felt like I was among socialites, even though this was a relaxed party at someone’s second home near a lake. Their mom had been drinking and picking fights with my friend the whole night. I honestly felt bad they had to deal with that. And then something I never thought I’d hear in my life— especially from a mother of a friend of mine— pointed at me and said “I bet if you came from her life, you’d appreciate everything we do for you more.” 

I was barely 5 feet away. 

I stood in shame, wondering what my friend had told her about my life.  I got stoned and wished the night was over and poured my sorrows in food. Thank you God for chicken wings. 

Their mom never acknowledged it or apologized, but it’s stuck with me since. Even now I tear up writing this. And a real surprise to no one, our friendship didn’t work out.

It made me wonder, 'do I handle myself poorly? Why would I ever feel shameful of where I come from?' My parents set me up for success and did all they could to ensure I knew how to take care of myself. I come from generations upon generations of veterans, factory workers, farmers— the blue collars of our country. The backbone of the American foundation. Why would I ever be ashamed of that? 

This is not to say I hate people with wealth. It’s more so hating that I felt less-than in their presence, how I believed I didn’t have the right to dream like they did— I got yanked out of the clouds of being a dreamer most of my upbringing to be realistic. And my experience at that party was a direct mirror to the parts of me that felt unworthy, small, and unseen.

But you know where that’s gotten me? Absolutely nowhere but stuck— in the same judgements, in the same repeated cycle— And the biggest place it shows up for me is in my own finances. Almost like it’d be a sin if I were to have wealth. Because how could I ever be like that?

Another layer of struggle with this belief system is that I realized I associate wealth with power. And my underlying fear that if I had wealth— If I had power— someone will try to take it away from me. I legitimately have no idea why, who knows if it’s some past life scar, a generational memory, or something that formed quietly. I have no logical explanation for that, and nothing in my waking life experience has ever shown me that— it’s a shadow in the background, an outlying ripple in the energy around me. (But don't get me wrong, I will still blare "Fortunate Son" by Creedence Clearwater Revival sometimes.)

But something I’ve learned is that absolutely no one is unscathed. Everyone has their shit. Someone may look at me and think, “why does she get to have her health and I don’t?” 

It’s simply just human nature. 

But now that we have acknowledged this— where do you go from here, instead of carrying it all with you forever? Where does it go?

It’s actively making peace with the fact that I didn’t choose where I came from, but that I play a hand in the future I create— that I trust in what I am building for myself. It’s being grateful that I know how to take care of myself, something I often observe many others my age (who grew up with more help) don’t know how to do. It’s being able to count my blessings and being able to enjoy the smaller things in life— like true human connection, a comfort movie, or live music. It’s showing up for myself when the triggers come up because ultimately these triggers show me what I actually desire for myself. They are the lesson— and I’m receptive to sitting in that.

It’s not like I want to have my own private jet that I fly wherever I want at my beck and call. But being secure enough to be able to help others is my biggest goal. That is my dream.

That dream would never happen without actively choosing to surround myself in environments, social circles, and friendships that support me moving forward in my journey. People who not only accept me but celebrate me, and support me becoming even better than who I am today. I challenge you to do the same. This doesn’t mean you have to harshly cut people off, but sometimes you have to stop giving them front row seats to the show that is your life.

It’s about knowing you get to choose your story now— not being afraid of claiming your power— of feeling safe in success, open to receiving, and letting go of survival. 

Choose the circle that reflects your growth, not your grief.